Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Interview Tips

Every now and again, I get the gumption to actively seek employment. Against my better judgement, of course. So I do the things I've been taught to do--send my resume with a polite and servile cover letter, cross my fingers and hope for the best, which means I pray that I win the lottery.

I'll admit that my attempts, at times are half-hearted, and I'm more tempted to wiseassness when I can email the resume and cover letter.

For example, I've sent cover letters which state simply, "I rule." Other times, I've implored a response with "Pick me! Pick me!" I've learned that my chances of winning the lottery are better than securing an interview with those cover letters.

But sometimes, I'll get a bite. Then I have to practice my hoop-jumping, standing up on my hind legs, and some assorted seal tricks, like clapping or speaking on cue.

It's so tempting to throw the interview. The urge to go in and mouth off because they don't know me and I won't be any worse off is nearly irresistable.

But I don't. Even though I want to go in and just be an asshole, I sit up straight and comply peaceably. I still fantasize about handling the interview on my own terms, and have prepared answers for the stock questions provided in th HR bible:

Why did you leave your last job?

There was a tragic fire. I was the only one who survived.

What about your job before that, at XYZ company?

There was a tragic fire. I was the only one who survived.

Intermittently, I'd drum my fingers on the table or desk, staring at the interviewer. Or if they're in a windowed office, I'd just get up and look out the window. "I'm listening. What's your next question?"

What are your strengths?

I can drink a 200 lb man under the table. Wanna see?

What are your weaknesses?

a) I don't have any
b) I tend to make people feel inferior
c) 200 lb men and happy hour

Do you have any questions for me?

a) Are you gonna use all those pens, or can I have one?
b) I'd like to sit in your chair, and you sit here.
c) How's the sprinkler system here?
d) Can I borrow ten bucks?

There are the extra touches one can add to the interview experience, like:

Wearing sunglasses
Asking " Does my breath smell a little boozy?"
Farting or belching audibly
Making a cell phone call or
picking up the desk phone and asking, "do I need to dial 9?"

Sure, these tactics may sound outlandish and rude, but remember, they're getting paid, you're not. It's your time, your gas, your interview. Own it.



Blogger jim said...

this is great stuff.
do i have to send you a nickel every time i use one of these?

1:25 PM  
Blogger Cindy St. Onge said...

ha ha! Glad you liked the post.
Interview sabotage tactics, free.
Expression on hiring executive's face: Priceless.


1:43 PM  
Blogger AskRock said...

19 April 2005

Huge Ubiquitous Incorporated

Dear Ms. St. Onge:

We want to thank you for taking the time to interview with Huge Ubiquitous Incorporated. We would like to inform you that Mr. Blech is recovering nicely at the Sunnyside Sanitarium. Please rest assured that he does not hold you personally responsible for his complete mental collapse, and he should be back to work and interviewing potential associates of Huge Ubiquitous Incorporated sometime in 2009.

Do not worry about Mr. Blech’s financial situation, as we always look after the welfare of our associates. Mr. Blech will receive 22% of his normal salary from HUI, so with his disability insurance he will be making 53% of his normal take home salary. We are certain that this is more then sufficient to provide for his wife, five disabled children, three poodles and a Siamese cat.

You should be receiving a restraining order from our corporate counsel within the next three to five business days. This restraining order states that you are to refrain from submitting any additional resumes or interviewing for any positions at any location, division or business unit of HUI.

Once again thank you for interviewing at HUI.

M. Merde Sainte
Executive in Charge of a Whole Lot of Important Stuff

6:22 PM  
Blogger AskRock said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6:34 PM  
Blogger Cindy St. Onge said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7:08 PM  
Blogger AskRock said...

I must confess that in a past life that I have written more then my share of these letters. I worked for a hospital that had a policy that all interviewees be sent a follow-up letter.

I have interviewed:

-- People in cut-offs, offensive t-shirts and dirty sneakers for executive sales positions

-- An interesting gentlemen who kept asking me if I minded if he smoked during the interview, despite the fact that I repeatedly told him no

-- A young woman who was obviously severely under the influence of a hallucinogenic substance

-- Many people under the strong influence of alcohol

-- People with very offensive odors

-- People profusely using profanity

So you can see why your hilarious “Interview Tips” would bring back fond memories.


The first time I died, I walked my ways;
I followed the file of limping days.

I held me tall, with my head flung up,
But I dared not look on the new moon's cup.

I dared not look on the sweet young rain,
And between my ribs was a gleaming pain.

The next time I died, they laid me deep.
They spoke worn words to hallow my sleep.

They tossed me petals, they wreathed me fern,
They weighted me down with a marble urn.

And I lie here warm, and I lie here dry,
And watch the worms slip by, slip by.

6:29 PM  
Blogger Cindy St. Onge said...


You ought to write a book. Or have you already? Aren't humans silly?

I like the poem. It has a Rudyard Kipling feel about it. Did you write it?


7:27 PM  
Blogger AskRock said...

Dorothy Parker "Epitaph"

8:25 PM  
Blogger Cindy St. Onge said...

Ah, Dorothy Parker. I shoulda guessed.

9:54 PM  

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