Interview Tips
Every now and again, I get the gumption to actively seek employment. Against my better judgement, of course. So I do the things I've been taught to do--send my resume with a polite and servile cover letter, cross my fingers and hope for the best, which means I pray that I win the lottery.
I'll admit that my attempts, at times are half-hearted, and I'm more tempted to wiseassness when I can email the resume and cover letter.
For example, I've sent cover letters which state simply, "I rule." Other times, I've implored a response with "Pick me! Pick me!" I've learned that my chances of winning the lottery are better than securing an interview with those cover letters.
But sometimes, I'll get a bite. Then I have to practice my hoop-jumping, standing up on my hind legs, and some assorted seal tricks, like clapping or speaking on cue.
It's so tempting to throw the interview. The urge to go in and mouth off because they don't know me and I won't be any worse off is nearly irresistable.
But I don't. Even though I want to go in and just be an asshole, I sit up straight and comply peaceably. I still fantasize about handling the interview on my own terms, and have prepared answers for the stock questions provided in th HR bible:
Why did you leave your last job?
There was a tragic fire. I was the only one who survived.
What about your job before that, at XYZ company?
There was a tragic fire. I was the only one who survived.
Intermittently, I'd drum my fingers on the table or desk, staring at the interviewer. Or if they're in a windowed office, I'd just get up and look out the window. "I'm listening. What's your next question?"
What are your strengths?
I can drink a 200 lb man under the table. Wanna see?
What are your weaknesses?
a) I don't have any
b) I tend to make people feel inferior
c) 200 lb men and happy hour
Do you have any questions for me?
a) Are you gonna use all those pens, or can I have one?
b) I'd like to sit in your chair, and you sit here.
c) How's the sprinkler system here?
d) Can I borrow ten bucks?
There are the extra touches one can add to the interview experience, like:
Wearing sunglasses
Asking " Does my breath smell a little boozy?"
Farting or belching audibly
Making a cell phone call or
picking up the desk phone and asking, "do I need to dial 9?"
Sure, these tactics may sound outlandish and rude, but remember, they're getting paid, you're not. It's your time, your gas, your interview. Own it.
Cindy
I'll admit that my attempts, at times are half-hearted, and I'm more tempted to wiseassness when I can email the resume and cover letter.
For example, I've sent cover letters which state simply, "I rule." Other times, I've implored a response with "Pick me! Pick me!" I've learned that my chances of winning the lottery are better than securing an interview with those cover letters.
But sometimes, I'll get a bite. Then I have to practice my hoop-jumping, standing up on my hind legs, and some assorted seal tricks, like clapping or speaking on cue.
It's so tempting to throw the interview. The urge to go in and mouth off because they don't know me and I won't be any worse off is nearly irresistable.
But I don't. Even though I want to go in and just be an asshole, I sit up straight and comply peaceably. I still fantasize about handling the interview on my own terms, and have prepared answers for the stock questions provided in th HR bible:
Why did you leave your last job?
There was a tragic fire. I was the only one who survived.
What about your job before that, at XYZ company?
There was a tragic fire. I was the only one who survived.
Intermittently, I'd drum my fingers on the table or desk, staring at the interviewer. Or if they're in a windowed office, I'd just get up and look out the window. "I'm listening. What's your next question?"
What are your strengths?
I can drink a 200 lb man under the table. Wanna see?
What are your weaknesses?
a) I don't have any
b) I tend to make people feel inferior
c) 200 lb men and happy hour
Do you have any questions for me?
a) Are you gonna use all those pens, or can I have one?
b) I'd like to sit in your chair, and you sit here.
c) How's the sprinkler system here?
d) Can I borrow ten bucks?
There are the extra touches one can add to the interview experience, like:
Wearing sunglasses
Asking " Does my breath smell a little boozy?"
Farting or belching audibly
Making a cell phone call or
picking up the desk phone and asking, "do I need to dial 9?"
Sure, these tactics may sound outlandish and rude, but remember, they're getting paid, you're not. It's your time, your gas, your interview. Own it.
Cindy
posted by Cindy St. Onge at 12:38 PM
5 Comments:
this is great stuff.
do i have to send you a nickel every time i use one of these?
ha ha! Glad you liked the post.
Interview sabotage tactics, free.
Expression on hiring executive's face: Priceless.
Cindy
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Rock,
You ought to write a book. Or have you already? Aren't humans silly?
I like the poem. It has a Rudyard Kipling feel about it. Did you write it?
Cindy
Ah, Dorothy Parker. I shoulda guessed.
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