Monday, April 25, 2005

Impersonating a Cop-Out

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Blog filler.
Blog filler who?
Blog filler's all you're getting today because I can't be bothered to use my frontal lobe for anything purposeful or inventive or relevant. That's who.

Yes, I'm actually posting my homework from last year's Bible as Literature class. I blasphemed my way through that class AND got an 'A' for my trouble, thank you very much. The assignment for the week was to read the chapters mentioned in my headings and summarize. I waited until an hour before I had to leave for class before starting the assignment, which is why the summaries are a little out of breath, and loose and fast with style and grammar.


Jericho – Joshua 6
I remember the song: “Joshua fought the battle of Jericho, Jericho, Jericho. Joshua fought the battle of Jericho and the walls came a tum-ba-lin down.” That’s pretty much the long and short of it. Seven turned out to be the city’s unlucky number, and the whole drama reminded me of some rock concerts I’ve been to. OK, it reminded me of every rock concert I’ve been to. Seven laps around the wall, a horn solo, and then an “I can’t hear you—louder this time!” exhortation from the spandexed prophet on stage.

An aside, Kate Bush alluded to this battle in her video for “Experiment IV” from The Whole Story CD. The song is about some government’s secret weapon which uses disturbing sounds to vanquish their foes. A manila folder is seen for just a second, labeled “Jerry Coe.” Get it?

Samson and Delilah—Judges 16
Samson was a dumb jock with a predilection for strange stuff—in this case meaning foreign gals. This story reads like a prototype for “Dumb and Dumber.” Delilah lacks guile and subtlety, and Samson can’t get it through his big, fat muscle head that every time she asks him “OK, hypothetically, just for kicks, how would a person subdue you?” the Philistines attempt to bind and subdue him in just the manner he told Delilah.

Perhaps the three-legged gerbil treading the Habitrail in his head could have picked up on something and scratched out an SOS. I don’t know. Maybe Samson’s parents didn’t model a healthy relationship and he thought this was her way of ‘connecting.’ Maybe he just needed a place to stay. Did Matt Groening write that story? Are you sure? I think whoever redacted this story stole it from the Simpsons.

Ruth—Ruth 1,2
Did you know that in 1964, pregnant women couldn’t collect unemployment? My mother told me that. When she was pregnant with me, she had to wear an oversized trench coat to hide her bulbous tummy when she’d collect her check at the Employment office. It seems that society has been slow to let women make an honest living, independent of marriage.

I picture Naomi and her daughters-in-law, Orpah and Ruth standing by the road with cardboard signs which say “Will marry for $$.” So the two young widows had two choices: Rent their bodies to paying customers or sell themselves to one long-term client, let’s call him a “husband” for simplicity’s sake. At Naomi’s urging, Ruth surprises Boaz with, well let’s call it a “date,” and then he marries her. I think the two women were angling to enforce the ‘you break it you buy it’ clause, which still holds water in the Middle East today. If you screw her, she’s yours. Can’t marry her off, she can’t stay at home. Take her. Go on; get outta here.

David and Goliath—1 Samuel 17
One of the greatest underdog stories ever writ. Goliath was a Philistine behemoth. And such a philistine. Goliath was also a bully—picking a fight with anyone who would represent the Israelites in battle, like some snockered ex-high school football hero trying to show off for the barflies at the local dive. So there’s Goliath of Gath, clunking on the top of the hill in his chain mail, Viking helmet and XenaWarriorPrincess breast plate, slurring and growling “C’mawn, ya little milquetoasts! Who’s gonna step up and take on the G-man? Aarrrgh!”

David, a twerpy little skater-dude who would have been more likely to hang out with the pot-smoking artistic types in high school, playing his guitar in the cafeteria at lunch, was all heart and no biceps. So naturally, he accepts the challenge. Why? because he has a secret weapon: a slingshot. No self-respecting kid should be without one.

David’s getting ready for the fight. If you can picture Woody Allen suited up in shoulder pads and a helmet, then you get the picture of what David may have looked like pinging around inside a suit of armor. Now is not the time to play dress up David; you could be killed. Ditch the armor and get thee thy big eye patch thingy.

A prayer and a rock brought the bully Goliath down, and a celebration immediately followed the upset: “Circumcisions all around!” somebody yelled. This tradition would be replaced in later centuries by the overturning of cars and other joyous acts of vandalism.

Little guy kicks big guy’s butt: the story of David and Goliath has been a beloved template for such classic stories as The Wizard of Oz, Norma Rae, and Revenge of the Nerds.


Anonymous CSSO #1 Fan said...

I wish the bible could be so humorously written. I would probably sit down and read it then;)

3:03 PM  

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