Tuesday, September 20, 2005

The Cesspool that is My Bloodstream

I administered my first urine inoculation Sunday. Everything went smoothly, and the whole affair was as easy as pie, a sharp, pointy pie. Except for one thing: I forgot to use the filter.

I wasn't too concerned, I'm pretty indestructible as microbes and foreign bodies go. But Sunday night, I tossed and turned all night, feverish and achy. Monday came around--much too soon after what I thought was a night of hot flashes, and I started coughing. All day long, I had a constant, dry cough. Just a cough, nothing else, except a sore, 5'' by 2'' pink oval where I had given myself the shot.

Dr. Ada was back in the office this morning, so as I was opening up the place I stopped into her office to say good morning, and to let her know I gave myself the inoculation, mentioning, as if it were no big deal, that I had forgotten to attach the filter to the syringe. She made a bad face. A scary, bad face.

I now understand that the filter removes bacteria, microbes, and other weird shit that isn't necessarily beneficial when reintroduced back into the bloodstream. D'oh!
Urine is sterile--in the bladder. It picks up all manner of crud on the way out of the body.

"Let me see the area around the needle puncture." Still pink like rare New York strip. "You need to see me later this morning after my phone consult." She was freaked out, REALLY freaked out. My cough had gone, and so had my fever, the aches, and the crying jag. But she was nearly ready to amputate.

So an hour goes by, I'm doing my thing at the front desk, and Dr. Ada comes up with an arm full of supplements and tinctures. "Is that for your phone consult?" I asked. "You're so cute," she said, amused at my oblivityness. "These are for you."

"For me? What on earth do I need to take all these for?"
"To fight off infection."
"But I feel--"
"This is serious" she interjected. So Dr. Ada gave me three homepathic remedies, a bottle of Bereberis, which is an herbal antibiotic made from Oregon grape, and enzyme pills that will dissolve any infection if I take them without food.

I'm being a good patient, and have followed Dr. Ada's instructions to the letter. But honestly, I don't feel sick. I think that whatever made me sick Sunday and Monday has worked its way out of my system, or just gave up after having to stand in line behind all the other bodily afflictions that were there first.

I'm on more pills than a 75-year-old Medicaid grandma.

But I still have only one cat.




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