Monday, August 22, 2005

Got Crack?
Hug a Chiropractor.

Have you ever wanted to wrap your hands around someone's neck and squeeze with so much force that you could feel the person's life breeze past your fingers? Have you ever thought your chiropractor might have those Boston Strangler leanings?

I'm glad Alice is a peace-lovin' gal, because she has one hell of a Half-Nelson--a grip that could bring a Yellow Stone Grizzly down. Her power?

"It's all in the set up," she says.

By set up, she means lulling you into a false sense of safety with muscle-melting massage and manipulation. Then in mid-sentence---CCCCCRAAACK!

Mercifully cradling my stunned little head for a minute before moving down to the next set of vertebrae, "Wiggle your left toe," she says. I was still trying to figure out which toe was my left one when a shorter, deeper crunch took me by surprise."

"The oldest trick in the book." Oh Alice, you're such a kidder.

She is sneaky, but she gets results, and that's all I cared about. She came to my rescue Friday after I arrived at work with a neck so stiff I had to turn my whole body around to talk to her--I felt positively mocked by Linda Blair and owls everywhere.

She assesed my nerves and joints and muscles, schmushing my cranium and rolling a sadistic little pinwheel thingy up and down my arms and hands, testing for sensation variations. Once she decided where the problem lay rooted, it was time to get cracking.

Alice is an authority on microcurrent application, which was first on the menu. She snapped on latex gloves to prevent the charge from completing in either of her hands, then donned black dominatrix-looking leathery gloves. I told her if I see a leather mask and a rubber ball, I'm so outta there. Not because I'm afraid of pain, but I understand those kinds of treatments cost extra, and I have a budget.

Anyway. She explained how the microcurrent works as she massaged my neck and shoulders, the current passing from the Mistress Alice gloves into my muscles. I was ready for a zap, but felt only her kneading fingers. The current passing through the gloves is the same ampage or frequency in a person's body. Each organ has its own frequency, and microcurrent treatments assist in resetting the charge, stimulating blood flow to the treated area, allowing muscles to relax and expidite healing. My neck was softening, and my range of movement expanding as she worked.

Off with the kid gloves; now she was all business. Talking, palpating, talking, palpat--CRUNCH. She worked down my spine, then I turned over onto my stomach and she adjusted my pelvis and tailbone, palpating then pushing, pressing, then pressing harder, and snap, crackle, pop--I'm a new woman.

Just when I was getting used to it. Just when I was ready, willing, and able to say "screw the budget, what else do have in your bag of tricks, Lady?" I could move my head from side to side again. All good things must come to an end.


Ha ha! You didn't see that coming, did you? Just a little something I learned from Alice.

Recovering nicely,



Blogger MSSunderstood said...

Can Alice recommend anyone in the Eugene area? I could use a good back cracker!
So nice to have someone who can really do some good, not like a couple of the snake oil/old school/no school/take the money and do no good chiros I have visited in the past.

11:27 AM  
Blogger annush said...

cracking makes me hurt.

but the day I got one of my piercings I squeezed the life out of someone through their hand! They literally had to sit down afterwards! WHo would have thought?

12:50 PM  
Blogger Cindy St. Onge said...


I'll ask her. And yes, she is very good, & highly credentialed. And she's such a little cutie pie.

Annush you are a glutton for punishment, aren't you? ONE of your piercings? "One" of my piercings would be my other ear.

8:55 PM  
Blogger Vince said...

Bring. It. On.

9:13 PM  

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