Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Where There are Lips...

...there are teeth. Usually.

Now, thanks to someone who stole my idea, women in South Africa will get teeth where they most need them--in their hoohoos.

In South Africa, one out of two women is raped every day. Rape is so common in that region, that many women and girls are raped by more than one man during their lifetimes. Fitted with the new avenging dentures, victim advocates and the manufacturers hope to literally take a bite out of crime.

The device, which is worn like a tampon, will leave microscopic hooks in the offender's penis upon withdrawl, which can then only be removed (the hooks, not the peepee) while the rapist is under anaesthesia, by a doctor. This way, perpetrators will be apprehended and brought to justice.

Microscopic? Ha! They stole my idea, but they didn't get it exactly right.

My chops won't resemble a tampon. Why does everything people want to shove up my girl-hole have to be like a tampon, which is really a cardboard and cotton replica of a penis, a phallic voodoo doll that Guatamalan children might glue seeds and matchsticks to, then sell to tourists along the roadside. If I'm going to put teeth in my punani, they're going to be real fucking teeth. And not prosthetic square, Chicklet human teeth, but something a ferocious carnivore might use to crush bones and tear sinew.

My prototype would be spring-loaded like a bear trap, so that when tripped, it will clamp down on the unsuspecting member with stainless steel interlocking tines. Some models may have serrated tines, and I'm thinking of calling it a Grrl Grill.

Naturally, there will be those women who would use the Grill to literally trap a man. A man who should know something's up when he asks, "What's that shearing, metal against metal noise coming from under the table?" and she answers, "Kegels."

A man who, only seconds after he is certain he's gotten lucky, gets real unlucky, finding himself in a dimension where all the meanings of vice intersect.

He's yelping like a maimed dog, and she's got her man right where she wants him.

"Honey, the screaming only makes it worse. The good news, is that we're now in a committed relationship, and that searing pain means it's working. If you want out of it, you'll have to chew your own dick off. And I'll thank you to do it in such a way that does not hurt my feelings."

I'm also considering a zester blade for scraping instead of clamping, and I'm very interested in taking the pencil sharpener to a new, sick level.

Vagina dentata. May every wild thing of this earth bare fierce teeth.


Blogger annush said...

hahaha...i love it!
were that to exist, i'd use it just for kicks :)

6:47 AM  
Blogger Aunt B said...

"May every wild thing of this earth bare fierce teeth."

You have the most ferocious prayers. This has been sticking in my brain since I first read it.

9:17 AM  

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