I Just Assumed You Wanted Me to Make an Ass Out of You

You know, the first time I heard "When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me," as part of the dialogue in Silence of the Lambs, I thought it was pretty clever. I like the word assume. I use the word assume, interchanged with suppose, think/thought, theorized, and guessed. But now, I'm really sick of hearing people parrot the phrase that attempts to admonish against assuming, but doesn't mean anything. It doesn't.

To assume is to arrive at a conclusion with the facts at hand. People make assumptions, guesses, suppositions knowing that information could surface down the line that would render their inference null and void. Variables and unknowns won't stop anyone from guessing.

To assume something means that one has the capacity to deduce. It implies the use of logic and implementing one's god-given problem-solving aptitude.
This is how a normal brain works. Don't tell me that thinking makes me an ass. That's utter nonsense.

And if I don't get it right, how on earth have I made an ass out of you?

Someone looked at the word assume, saw the word ass, and had a Beavis and Butthead moment. "Heh heh--it says ass u. Heh heh." That isn't clever; where is the lesson? If you can't find the word 'ass' in guess, theorize, or infer, then shut the fuck up.

The next time you're tempted to shake your finger at me because I've assumed something--and you're about to talk down your nose with what you'll think is sage advice--don't. If I'm wrong about something, just tell me I'm wrong. I don't mind legitimate criticism. I welcome edification. But don't sing that horrid little cliche as if you were fucking delivering the Sermon on the Mount. I will call you out, flay you in public, and prove that the only ass in question is you.

Superiorily,

Cindy