Saturday, May 21, 2005

Jesus Loves Me, This I Know...

But he still thinks about other women when we're doin' it.

If Jesus came back to earth, fell in love with say, a woman of Christian orthodoxy--like a Catholic or Greek Orthodox, would he--being Jewish--have to convert to be married in the church?

I'd hate to have to be the priest to tell Him that.

I think Jesus would prefer the Magdalenes of this world. Every man has a type--even the Lord God our Saviour--and I would think that he prefers women with experience. Because after a long, dusty day of preaching and dumbing all that esoteric shit down for the illiterate peasantry, he wants to go home to a woman who will just know what to do.

Sure, I'd love to have a personal relationship with Jesus. But I don't want to share him, because he's my trophy messiah. Mine, bitches! And he's in for a rude awakening if he expects me to wash his nasty feet with my hair. I don't touch feet. Especially men's feet. And he will be getting his back waxed if he wants any of this, honey. The Lamb of God may love and accept everyone equally, but I have standards.

You know what the very best thing about Jesus is? It's not that he can give sight to the blind or raise the dead or cleanse us of our sins. It's not even that he's hot, in a hippie kind of way. The best thing about Jesus is that he's handy.

He's a carpenter, and I need a deck. With a bar and a jacuzzi if it's not too much trouble. I need shelves too. And a garbage disposal installed. Oh, Jesus, if you're listening, please give me a sign that you're bonded.

You know what else is great about him? If he were to look for a job--a real job, not an ascended master type position, but something he'd need to jump through hoops for, he wouldn't pass a background check. He's a convicted felon! I'm worried about my references, fussin' and frettin' cuz there's something wrong with me, and it just occurred to me that Jesus wouldn't pass the background check because he's a felon. I love it. I feel so much better now.

Thank you, Jesus.



Blogger ladyshark said...

crazy mood.... lol

6:17 PM  
Blogger Queen of the Inane said...

Hey, w/e puts the funny in your day.

10:39 PM  

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